Children As A Choice

Originally published in SISTERS Magazine, January 2013

It is a global expectation: Muslim women are pressured into marriage, pregnancy, and then more children, one after the other. Ahadeeth about the virtues of children and RasulAllah’s encouragement to procreate become a constant mantra repeated in a married Muslim woman’s ears. Should she express even a murmur of disagreement, of desperation, she is browbeaten into silence by exclamations of “How could you say such a thing!” and disapproving glares.

Allah created all mankind with different qualities and characteristics; human beings are not mass-produced robots, but individuals with different personalities and capabilities. RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came as a mercy to mankind, embracing and encouraging every person he came across to excel in what they were able to, without forcing anyone into something they could not cope with.

Unfortunately, too many Muslims have forgotten those points. Culture is merged with religion and used as a tool to force unwilling individuals to conform to strict behaviors; should anyone reject these standards, they are stigmatized and treated as deficient, or outcasts.

At some point, some Muslim societies began treating women not as individuals with various obligations to their Lord and different ways of fulfilling them, but as a monolithic group with only one role to perform: to marry, and have children – the more, the better!

While absolutely no one denies the high status of mothers in Islam, and the virtues of children, there are those who act as though it is waajib upon every married woman to have children. Those who express their desire to wait, or to limit the amount of children they have, are told that they are selfish, not following the Sunnah, do not have enough tawakkul in Allah, or that they’ve been “corrupted” by “evil Western ideas”!

However, RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) himself gave permission to the Muslims to practice family planning, as related by Jabir (radhiAllahu anhu) who related: "We used to perform coitus interruptus during the time that the Quran was being revealed.” (Sahih Muslim)

There are so many reasons that some women do not want children, or do not want more than a few. 

 ·        Health risks. Mental and emotional health is just as important as physical health – which many Muslims do not realize or acknowledge (partially because mental health issues are also considered taboo). Muslim women are told that as long as they are physically healthy, they should be reproducing. Very little thought is given to the psychological or emotional state of the woman herself!

A woman who is already having difficulties in her life, or who is not in a situation amenable to having children, should not be pressured into pregnancy, as it could weaken her eman greatly and cause further issues. 

Maryam suffered from major depression before and after her pregnancy, but was treated as though she was making it up or faking. As a result, her eman plunged and she spent the majority of her pregnancy resenting her marriage and the child growing within her.

·        Personality. Some women may be capable of physically giving birth very easily, but that doesn’t mean they have the desire to have five or ten children! Motherhood is difficult and trying; not every woman is capable of dealing with more than one or two children. In fact, there are some women who do not have any desire for children whatsoever – who are we to force something upon her which Allah did not make an obligation? Those who emphasize the barakah of children to convince reluctant women should also remember that: "And know that your possessions and your children are but a trial (fitnah) and that surely with Allah is a mighty reward." {Surah al-Anfal, 28}

Nasreen always knew that she was not the “nurturing type.” After giving birth to two children, she knew that she simply could not handle another child – she did not have the patience or the energy to be a loving mother to anyone else. Despite witnessing her struggles, Nasreen’s mother insisted that having two children was not enough, and that she should continue the tradition of having a large family.

·        Quality over Quantity. There are too many examples, within the Muslim community itself, of women who have many children but do not give their children the Islamic rights of time, attention, patience, and education that they deserve. Muslims need to remember that numbers are not sufficient, as RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) warned us: “…you shall be numerous, but you will be like the (useless) foam of the sea.” (Sunan Abu Dawud) Mothers should not be overly concerned with how many children they have, but how well those children are raised in the path of Allah. If a parent cannot give one child their Islamic right to correct tarbiyah, what is the point of having four or five children who are equally uneducated?  

Tasneem already had four children before giving birth to her fifth. Unfortunately, none of the older children had any real interest in Islam, and most were involved in distasteful activities that their parents were not aware of. Tasneem felt that her duties were restricted to cooking, cleaning, and having tea with her friends rather than providing her children with a quality Islamic education. 

·        Other Acts of Worship. Motherhood entails huge sacrifices and is possibly the greatest jihad a woman will experience. This does necessitate, however, that every Muslimah is obliged to undertake it! Indeed, the ajr of adopting an orphan is far more clear-cut and known than is the fate of one who gives birth to children who may or may not be Muslim. There are many other acts of worship that Muslim women can undertake that will inshaAllah increase them in reward and barakah, and to refrain from having children (or more than a certain amount) is not tantamount to sinning. 

Iman had always wanted to adopt or foster an orphan, even before she got married. When she brought it up with her husband, he was hesitant about it but promised to consider it. When her in-laws heard about it, they were outraged and told Iman’s husband that he could never think about bringing in a stranger into their home.

·        Dreams, Ambitions, and Different Roles. It is high time that Muslims realize that women are not limited to the home and family spheres. Islamic history is rife with examples of Muslim women scholars who both were never married, or who were married but had no children, and who fulfilled many other roles in their societies. It is hypocritical for Muslims to declaim the many rights that Islam provides women, if Muslim communities do not encourage and facilitate Muslim woman to fulfill necessary roles outside of the domestic arena. 

Batool was happy with her brood of three, but now that they were growing up and in school, she longed to fulfill some of her youthful dreams. She began to research ways that she could get her degree in Social Work. However, sisters in the community would tell her that getting her degree was a “waste of time” and that it would be better for her to have another child instead. 

Although most sisters who ask other women at the masjid if “they’re ready for the next one!” have good intentions, such sisters need to keep in mind that not every woman is ready for children, whether the first or the fifth!

Rather than making du’a for a sister that she have more children, it is better to make du’a for her that Allah grant her what is best for her, and the patience and strength to face her current challenges with greater emaan.

UmmKhadijah (AnonyMouse) is the mother of a 2 year old toddler whom she loves dearly, and is not looking forward to getting pregnant anytime soon.